One day, three young people come to see him.
We have a problem with a friend, Alex, who is domineering, aggressive and intolerant. We don’t agree on how to react.
We have to confront him,” says Arthur. First, gently, by telling him what’s bothering you about the way he’s acting and trying to convince him to change. And if that doesn’t work, you have to get into a tougher confrontation and stop letting him get away with it. Become aggressive if necessary.
I’m afraid,” says Peter, “that it’ll lead to conflict or violence. I don’t like that. It’s better to avoid Alex, to stay away from him.
He’s our friend,” says Claudio, “and we mustn’t reject him. I’d rather we tried to accept him as he is.
You’re all right,” says Barka. Facing up, confronting, acting to change what doesn’t suit you is a good thing. But if you fail, be careful that confrontation doesn’t turn into relentlessness or violence. In that case, it’s better to let go and choose another strategy: avoidance, distancing or escape.
I don’t like this solution,” says Claudio. For me, avoidance is a form of easiness, resignation and cowardice.
You’re right, if it’s fear of confrontation that pushes you to flee,” says Barka. But if you’ve tried everything to change things without success, avoidance becomes a good option.
And there’s a third choice: acceptance. When you can’t change or avoid an unpleasant reality, you have to learn to accept it.
That’s submission or resignation,” says Arthur. It doesn’t suit me.
Acceptance is not resignation,” says Barka.
What’s the difference,” says Arthur?
If you can’t change reality, or avoid it,” says Barka, “you have to change your expectations or your ideal, mourn them, learn to accept and love reality as it is. And it’s when you can’t or won’t change either reality or your ideal that you condemn yourself to resignation, i.e. to frustration and powerlessness.
Every time a reality goes against us, we have these three choices,” asked the three friends.
Yes,” says Barka. You have the choice between confrontation, avoidance and acceptance. Or their darker side: violence, resignation, resignation. It’s up to you to choose wisely.
And Barka served our three youngsters an invigorating drink of which only he had the secret.